drunktuesdays: ([PARKS] i kind of hate most things)
[personal profile] drunktuesdays
Are posting chatlogs in 2012 still cool? Do the kids still do that? Because this is the first time [livejournal.com profile] kalpurna and I have shared the same fevered passion for a fandom we are both in at the same time since BANDOM so naturally all we do is email each other about our ids, and sometimes we end up plotting out stories about mpreg and pining.

Hannah: http//www.youtube.com/watch?McWodRXA7k
They told me, he was bad, but I knew he was sad
That's why I fell for the leader of the pack

One day my dad said, "Find someone new"

IGNORE THE PARTS WITH SMILING AND WHEN HE DIES AT THE END

Lea: Stiles probably would fall in love with someone at the candy store. BOUGHT ME CANDY BOUGHT ME CAKE BROUGHT ME HOME WITH A BELLY ACHE (AKA PREGNANCY)

Hannah: For real though, why am I not reading a story where Stiles meets Derek at the candy store and gets picked up after school in his sexy ride and has to tell the sheriff he got knocked up by a boy from the wrong side of town aka the side with burned out condemned houses in the woods?

Lea:It's a crime against humanity that I'm not. Let's make it more full of agony and Stiles is like SORRY I HAD A ONE NIGHT STAND WITH A HOMELESS PERSON AND I'M DEF PREGGO NOW........ while derek is like "i need to find him i don't know his name, or where he's from i just love him WHY DIDN'T HE STAY THE NIGHT IN MY BEAUTIFUL WELL DECORATED HOME aka my rusty train car"
 
Hannah: I would read ten thousand versions of this.

"I didn't know it wasn't a one night stand! I didn't even know where to find you! I THOUGHT YOU WERE HOMELESS!"

"I'm not homeless."

"..."

"okay, I'm technically homeless, but not because I'm broke."

"WHO IS HOMELESS BUT NOT BROKE? IS THIS INSANITY HEREDITARY? AM I CARRYING YOUR CRAZY BABY? I AM GOING TO GIVE BIRTH TO A NUTJOB. Okay I'm sorry honey, I didn't mean that, I know you're going to be adorable and perfect and probably not crazy and homeless on purpose."

"I can provide for you. Both of you."

"I want to find that reassuring, and I hope you're not insulted when I say this, but nothing about you is reassuring."
 
Lea: tattooing "nothing about you is reassuring" on my lower back

ALSO IN MY MIND THIS STORY WE'RE WRITING IS VAGUELY CINDERELLA-ESQUE WHERE DEREK WAKES UP AND STILES IS GONE, LEAVING BEHIND ONLY HIS HOODIE AND DEREK HAS TO VISIT SOOOOO MANY HIGH SCHOOLS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHOSE HOODIE IT IS BYEEEEEEEEE
 
Hannah: LOL LOL LOL THIS STORY IS THE WORLD'S GREATEST. Maybe at first Derek tries the local community college with hope in his heart but deep down he has a sinking feeling that he's going to need to check high schools.

HOW DOES THE TIMING WORK THOUGH? Surely it wouldn't take MONTHS for Derek to find him and obvs he needs to be knocked up already when he walks out the door of the school and sees Derek The Homeless Guy leaning on a REALLY EXPENSIVE CAR.

Lea: Yeah we need it to take three months so that there's a bulge to caress. I mean, Derek's a failure so surely we can invent obstacles for him to get stuck on, somehow. Like, maybe there's something in the pockets that lead him to believe it's a surrounding college student? So he wastes massive amounts of time looking all around there? Maybe he gets frustrated and gives up a month? OR MAYBE WEREWOLF PREGNANCIES ARE REALLY FAST. I COULD GO EITHER WAY.

Hannah: I'm definitely into him having been diligently searching for three months, sticking tiny pushpins into maps. Maybe there's a ticket from the last time Stiles went into the city so he loses a lot of time on that. MAYBE HE HAS TO DEAL WITH POLICE ATTENTION FOR HOW HE'S LURKIN HIGH SCHOOLS AND AFTER THAT HE'S LAYING LOW TO LET THE HEAT DIE DOWN BEFORE HE LOOKS AGAIN

Lea: losing my mind at the idea of derek having half of the basics of detective work down but still being mostly inefficient at it. also please murder me if there's NEAR BRUSHES where Stiles goes into the city to stop at a comic book store and Derek smells him on a parking meter and is like AHAHA I AM FUCKING BRILLIANT CLEARLY HE LIVES NEARBY!!!!!! and starts stalking every apartment building window in a couple block radius.

Hannah: RIGHT???? When Stiles sees his Wall O'Crazy with maps and pushpins and notes, he's like "THIS IS FUCKING DISTURBI-- wait a minute, did you seriously check places in this order instead of dividing by sectors and working methodically? no wonder it took you this long, did you just watch an episode of law and order and base your strategy on it? And I use the word "strategy" quite wrongly."

wait I got distracted by Derek's bad searching skills and forgot to give the attention it deserved to the image of Derek lovingly sniffing a parking meter
 
two options:
 
does Derek not know Stiles's name? In which case, Scott's reaction to a scary stranger touching his friend's stomach and being like "I finally found you... what's your name?" is going to be priceless.
 
OR
 
does Derek not understand Google?

Lea: But would Scott really be that alarmed? Or would he stare uncomprehendingly until someone prompted him to react.
 
I LOVE BOTH OPTIONS SO I DON'T KNOW. I feel like Stiles is uncommon enough as a name that Derek would have to be so unbelievably allergic to the internet AND just asking people questions to take 3 months to find him but as I type that out I'm like NOT THAT IT WOULD BE OOC

Hannah: RIGHT? Normally I'd be like "he can't possibly know his name" BUT IT'S DEREK, SOOOOO.
 
I'm just dwelling on the image of Derek and his stubble and his Camaro, looming over Stiles, hands on his baby bump, gazing intensely into his eyes and totally ignoring the large crowd of gawking high schoolers, and Scott's brow slowly wrinkling as he's like "hey, this is... wait..."
 
Lea: YESSSSSSSSSSS. And Derek just being like overdramatic about his search like, "STILES, I FOUND YOU. I KNEW I WOULD. I KNEW OUR SOULS NEEDED TO BE REUNITED" and Stiles is like "Oh! you looked for me? That's nice. Do you need money? Or like, a can of soup?"
 
Hannah: CRYING. CRYINGGGG. Poor Derek. I actually just got to the place where my Derekwifery kicked in and I now need there to be a scene in the fic where Stiles gently touches Derek's face and tells him he will be a good dad and they'll work it out together and then they spoon.
 
Lea: Yeah, I typed it, sent it, and literally thought "but Stiles is actually agreeable to becoming life buttbuddies with Derek and raising their beautiful painting baby together." Stiles definitely goes home with Derek in the Camaro and is like DAAAAAD THIS IS MY BABY DADDY, HE'S PROMISED TO KEEP ME IN THE STYLE I COULD BECOME ACCUSTOMED!! and the Sheriff is like "HIM?" but Derek is definitely gonna be crazy earnest about attending any and all obgyn appointments which endears him fully to the Sheriff.
 
Hannah: The sheriff RECOGNIZES him from when he brought him in for QUESTIONING for LURKING OUTSIDE HIGH SCHOOLS. He feels better about it though when he finds out it was because he was looking for Stiles, because GOOD, he SHOULD have been. He starts being unwillingly charmed. Then Derek stealth moves in and he goes right back to disapproving once he notices, and Derek gets a really constipated look on his face and starts giving this confusing monologue and the Sheriff finally realizes he's like, asking for his blessing and his son's hand in marriage, and he stops disapproving just so he can stop having the conversation.

I still love Stiles being way less intense than Derek at first though! Once he GETS it he's on board but it takes at least a minute for him to switch gears from "one night stand" to "husband."

Lea: crying my face off. Derek just appearing into your life and not budging is the most ic thing I have ever heard. The sheriff suddenly sitting up one day and being like "WHEN IS THE LAST TIME DEREK DIDN'T STAY THE NIGHT?" and stiles being like "uh, the night before I brought him home I guess" is killing me. THE SHERIFF DIDN'T NOTICE BECAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE DEREK'S A DIFFICULT ADDITION TO THE HOUSEHOLD. he doesn't mind taking the trash out, which is literally the most hated chore in the house, and he fixed that broken porch rail that's been broke for like six years so it's not like the sheriff minds having him, until that second when he's like BUT THAT WAS LIKE SIX WEEKS AGO.........DOES HE LIVE HERE NOW????? and Stiles is like "well I'm not sending him back to his TRAIN CAR OF MISERY.
 
Hannah: DAD, HE FOLLOWED ME HOME, CAN I KEEP HIM

The sheriff has NO COMEBACK to the train car of misery. Nobody should live in a train car.
Once everything settled down though Derek would JUST BE SO FUCKING HAPPY. The sheriff is nice. Stiles is a pregnant painting whose feet he gets to rub. He has a family. Running water is actually pretty nice.

Lea: OH GOD. Please picture Derek's normal resting face of STONE BLANKNESS only he's got Stiles's feet in his lap and the sheriff passing him a beer and the corners of his mouth just turn up a tiny bit and it's THE MOST CONTENT HE'S EVER BEEN
 
Hannah: THAT IMAGE WITH THE TINY SMILE AND THE BEER AND THE FEET IS MY ENTIRE LIFE NOW BYYYYYYYYYYE

UH, QUESTION: DOES DEREK BECOME THE STAY AT HOME MOM? BECAUSE ONE OF THOSE TWO HAS CAREER PROSPECTS AND IT AIN'T DEREK HALE
 
Lea: HELL YEAH HE DOES. remember that fic where everyone does something to take over the town? I was super into the idea of Derek being an artist who just throws things at walls and then sells it to an adoring public so if in our story of wonderfulness derek practices some sort of art and or craft between the baby's naps and gets improbable fame and fortune from it i would need to be sedated.

also deserving my adoration is the idea of the the sheriff being like "you can have everything and anything you want if i can exit this conversation stage left. derek, i literally have never entertained the thought that you might get bored of my son. please stop assuring me. please"

Hannah: dying. That's the Sheriff/Derek conversation of my fucking dreams. Derek would be trying so hard to use his words (!) to express his feelings (!) and he's working so hard at it and the sheriff is like YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I ALREADY KNOW THIS.

DOES DEREK MAKE FURNITURE?

or is he covered in paint and wearing a sexy wifebeater and his work sells for millions and he has to go to gallery openings sometimes and make small talk and he HATES IT but once he can bring Stiles along it becomes totally bearable

Lea: YES BECAUSE STILES WHISPERS HILARIOUSLY MEAN THINGS IN HIS EARS AND REMINDS HIM OF PEOPLE'S NAMES AND FILLS ALL SMALL TALK GAPS SO THAT DEREK LITERALLY CAN JUST STAND THERE AND BE LIKE "I made that. My inspiration was that I was awake."

Hannah: Unfortunately there is a brief period after the birth of the baby where he gives his agent FORTY PAINTINGS of the baby's hands/toes/eyelashes and she's like "Derek, no one cares about your baby this much, I cannot sell all of these."

Lea: KILL ME DEAD. His agent is like "remember when you used to do grim things with shadows and lots of mystery?" and derek is like "no" :]

Hannah: I'M GONE, LEAVE A MESSAGE. we just wrote the most beautiful fanfiction of all time.

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